The Right Therapy For Your Sun Sign

A sideways look at the use of astrology in order to determine which is the most appropriate treatment for each sun sign from the point of view of therapist and client.

ARIES: The first of the Fire signs, renowned for their courage and leadership, so mark them as hot favourites for a Firewalk. As Aries rules the head many enthusiastic spring rams wouldn’t even notice what is under their feet. Aries clients expect fast results so don’t try to offer them a course of ten treatments. You can expect them to be the first to offer opinions and feedback although this won’t always be couched in the most diplomatic terms. “Fantastic!” or “Crap!” would be about par for the course.

TAURUS: If the next therapy to arrive from California involves eating chocolate cake for a month, then the normally unadventurous Taureans will bring their own to pass the time while queuing at the therapist’s door. Taureans are fascinated by their own bodies and ailments and as many of them have Venus or Mercury in Gemini they will need a two hour session just to describe their symptoms. Get four Taureans together and they will be happily comparing notes on recipes and en-suite bathrooms. In the absence of chocolate cake Taurean therapists heal clients with anything physical such as massage or Shiatsu. Expect to be hugged.

GEMINI: Will try any treatment under the sun provided it doesn’t involve getting in touch with the physical body or the emotions. They belong to the realm of the mind and have an answer for everything. The recent “discovery” of a thirteenth astrological sign had many Geminis weeping with delight. Gemini practitioners frequently have more than one line of business so don’t be surprised if your local Tarot reader (a very Geminian occupation) tries to sell you a ‘phone halfway through the session.

CANCER: The “caring professions” are knee deep in Cancerians – the mothers of the Zodiac. Sorting out other people’s lives is an art form to Cancerian therapists, while Cancerian clients who actually take positive steps to free themselves from the past are worth fifty points in an I-Spy book. Like Taureans they are keen on their food and drink so a trip to your Cancerian therapist is bound to involve a cosy session with tea and home-made biscuits.

LEO: The King of the Zodiac. Leos want the best of everything – including a prosperous therapist – so they will expect your car, and lifestyle to live up to their egos. Leos are likely to be delighted when you raise your fees as this confirms their own status. Leos clients will want – or demand – a fair amount of dignity so lavishing care and attention on them with a 1.6 litre fuel injected healing couch should prove to be a sound investment. Whatever you do, don’t contradict your Leo therapist; they are always right.

VIRGO: Virgos, the great worriers, are food and drink to any complementary health centre. Should you succeed in clearing up your Virgo client’s problems rest assured that they will be back next week with anxiety that there is nothing wrong with them. Virgos are very keen on diets which feature lots of Vitamins, Roughage and Things-That-Are-Good-For-You so while Virgo is normally compatible with fellow Earth sign Taurus, the subject of food is an explosion waiting to happen. At least the tidy Virgos will clear up afterwards.

LIBRA: Hang around long enough (three lifetimes should do it) and the Libran will finally make up his or her mind which treatment to have. They are incredibly sensitive to their surroundings so Libran therapists will have treatment rooms painted in quiet pastel colours with plenty of light. Creative Visualization is a winner for Libran clients. They may miss the point completely, but they will have enjoyed the scenery. Their symbol, the Scales, is the only inanimate symbol of the Zodiac so please don’t recommend any of the treatments your Scorpio clients are undergoing – see below.

SCORPIO: Scorpios are really only interested in sex, death, sex and sex. Scorpio is the natural sign of healing which is achieved by bringing to the surface everything nasty and transforming it. Scorpios enjoy past life work – eliminating dark secrets that are no longer required by the psyche. Colonic irrigation is the perfect job for a Scorpio, preferably with a Taurean client who actually wants to know what is happening during the treatment. Scorpio clients are incredibly secretive and will deny there is anything wrong with them while trying to find out the therapist’s problem.

SAGITTARIUS: No self-respecting Sagittarian would let distance stand in his or her way. They love travel so if you can organize a workshop in the Himalayas or the Antarctic expect early Sagittarian booking. Don’t anticipate them at a tiny health fair or a small workshop – for a Sag, if it ain’t big it ain’t interesting. They are renowned for their warmth and tactlessness so Sagittarian clients will tell their therapists to get some therapy while the Sagittarian therapists will inform their clients when they’re being stupid. They will buy you an expensive (and large) gift to make you feel better and give it with such warmth you will forgive them. Then they tell you about the spot on your nose.

CAPRICORN: Capricorns expect value for their money, so make sure you are delivering the goods and give them about three months written notice if you are thinking about putting up your fees. Caution is their watchword so they are not the ideal clients for a Gemini therapist who comes up with a weird and new aspect of his or her work on the spur of the moment. You can talk to a Capricorn for an hour and they will still say “yes, but what does that actually mean?” Capricorns will also phone you afterwards when they have thought of something else they want clarified. Capricorn therapists are sensible and reliable and likely to butt you in the stomach if you try to put them on a pedestal.

AQUARIUS: Like Geminis, Aquarians are attracted by new ideas, but they are far more unpredictable – yes, really! Your Aquarian clients may arrive half an hour early, half an hour late or not show up at all but their explanation will be so outrageous and interesting that you will forget to charge them a cancellation fee. If it’s weird, it’s full of Aquarians. An Aquarian client and an Aquarian therapist will be ecstatically happy together but neither will understand – or care – what the other is up to.

PISCES: A water sign which would happily live in a flotation tank or anything else that involves water. Most of them have had past lives as dolphins. The Piscean affinity with liquid knows no bounds so they will always appreciate a drink (before, during and) after their treatment. A Piscean therapist and a Libran client would take most of the session trying to decide where to sit before even considering the horrendously difficult question of what to do next. Pisces is perhaps the sweetest and humblest sign of the Zodiac and – subject to Moon sign and Ascendant – their greatest joy comes in serving others which is perhaps their greatest message to all of us.

Last updated on April 23, 2017 at 9:28 pm. Word Count: 1217